It's much easier said than done. To be honest, it feels like I'm underneath the waves with my eyes barely peeking through the surface. Sometimes I can't see the clouds and I sure can't see the land ahead. I feel the water haunting & taunting me. It's splashing into my eyes and the expanse of it threatens my comfort and reveals the depth and totality of my humanity. I'm blinking as fast as I can and I am wide-eyed trying to fight it off. At times my tears are the offender enabling the flood that I feel like I'm bound to drown in.
I know ALL of the cliche' things and I know all of the truths. None of them mean that being led to and through border-less faith is an easy feat. Or a fully welcomed one in particular seasons. In 39 days our family is setting off to journey into the unknown. Except, much of it is known. Despair, stress, suffering, heartache, fear & brokenness, constantly watching for danger, REPEAT. There are days I wish that we were naively walking into our move to Haiti. And yet, I know that is not any better.
I've cried all of the tears that are left in me. While I KNOW that HE has them in bottles and that all of my sorrows are counted....I don't want Him to have any more bottles on my behalf. I certainly don't want Him to have any of my children's. And yet, even as I say what is in my mind right now, I know that there is beauty to come in the midst of it. I know that I am to count it as PURE JOY. I know that what it will produce is a stripping down of the muck and a replacement with what is most needed. More of Him, less of me.
Jumping into the great darkness isn't something that we are unfamiliar with. As I look back at our life together (over the last 16.5 years) I see how God has clearly prepared for us (in advance) to do this. It doesn't mean I WANT to do it this time.
Haiti is dangerous.
Haiti is dark.
Haiti is overwhelming.
Haiti is also incredibly beautiful. AND, the people that we love, even those we will meet here on earth and someday in Heaven, are worth it all. Even if I don't want them to be. There are times I wish we could go back to our BH days. ("BH=BEFORE HAITI and AH=AFTER HAITI" are times that have marked us in the here and now, AND eternally.) BH were the days when my worries were free of injustices. When my fears were surface and my walking out this great faith was hardly risky at all.
God has shown Himself faithful and strong in our journey. And yet, I sit here wondering how in HEAVEN and on EARTH He is going to pull this one off.
We don't have plane tickets.
We don't have a vehicle in Haiti.
We don't have schooling materials OR someone to help me teach and love on my babies when I need five minutes to cry or an hour to work.
We don't have prescriptions we need or medical and evacuation insurance.
We don't have all of our vaccines.
We don't have extra money.
The list drags on.
(I know, I know BUT GOD. )
38 is mocking me in the not-so-distant horizon. It's waiting and ready to steal another day from me.
My thoughts can get caught up here. I seem to run out of gas in this neighborhood more often lately than in the neighborhood of the Spirit-filled trees.
It's just where I'm at. And I'm not a liar. So, here is the awfully dirty truth.
The one that is THANKFUL that the Spirit intercedes for me & helps me in my weakness. That when I don't know what to even pray for anymore the Spirit himself intercedes for me with groanings too deep for words. (Even when the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. Which is what got us into this beautiful chaotic mess in the first place. )